Kath's Journey | Going one step at a time

#MIBF2025

September 15, 2025

All roads lead to the SMX Convention Center!

At least this is how it felt for me when I attended this year's Manila International Book Fair (MIBF), which took place at SMX Convention Center on September 10-14, 2025. I went on the 14th, the last day of the fair, which was a Sunday. I was bracing myself because I knew there would be a huge crowd on that day. I also went in during the afternoon already because I have spent the morning, still at home, searching for specific titles to pick up. I didn't want to just impulsively pick up books that I see there (spoiler alert: I DID 🤣) and so I listed at most five titles to find in the book fair.

I rode public transportation to the venue, and it took more than an hour (and I was in the standing area 😖) to reach the convention center. I was already tired even before beginning my book fair adventures. 😓 Good thing I was already familiar on how to commute, so the journey didn't add much to my stress that day.

As I expected, there were a lot of people enroute to the venue. There was even one lady who asked me for directions as to where the SMX convention center was. It was perfect timing because I had already pulled out my phone to open Google Maps because I was getting lost also (HAHAHA) so I told her the directions. Anyway, it was kind of thrilling to go out on my own again. I'm-not-used-to but used-to this kind of setup. I'm still adjusting, because it's been a while.😅 It felt like I'm going back to my old self, retracing old habits that I used to have.

The crowd at the entrance was intimidating at first, but all of us were able to enter the venue right away. There were also no lines at the ticket booth. I had planned to show them the complimentary ticket provided by National Bookstore, but apparently, it needed to be printed (I was only planning to show them the screenshot from my phone). Since I didn't have the means to print it, I had no choice but to pay the PHP50 entrance fee. 😅 Mental note for future book fairs: I must have the complimentary pass printed.

I noticed that most of the people there are from the younger part of the population. It fascinated me, because even though there are already e-books available in the market, the hype for reading physical books is still present and thriving. ✨

Upon entering, the first booth I noticed was that of the Lyric Piano & Organ Corporation. I remembered back in 2017's book fair, I bought the piano sheet of "Only Hope" by Mandy Moore, which is a movie soundtrack of "A Walk to Remember". I think I was able to study just the first 3 bars. 😅 So I guess this is a reminder for me to go back to studying the piece and playing it on the piano.

When I returned to this stall upon exit, the Taylor Swift one was no longer on the shelf. 😁

Aside from my list of book titles, one of my agenda here at MIBF was to go to Atom Araullo's book signing. I was really looking forward to this because I have been a fan of his since college days. Unfortunately, I got stuck getting books at Fully Booked. Also, I missed that (vital) information that his talk was on the second floor of the convention center. *sigh* Maybe, it was just not meant to be. I'll just see you next time, Atom. 🥲

Anyway, my book fair experience became mostly about book hunting. As I searched each aisle for the book titles I listed, I saw familiar book titles in between. Seeing the physical copies of the books I knew and read on the Kindle felt like meeting friends in real life. 😁

I found this amusing. Some are really capitalizing on the fame of the artist. 😅

The part that I really like about book fairs is the fact that I am feeling the energy of my fellow bookworms, like I can hear them squeal with delight upon seeing familiar titles on the shelves. Also, book stores showcase the best titles that they have so MIBF really is the venue if you are in search of top and trending books. The book fair is truly a candy land for all the book lovers. 😍📚

I saw this very cute version of the Harry Potter book by JK Rowling, with charming broomsticks on the edges of the pages. It's really fascinating to wander around and see books in different covers and designs. ✨

This reminded me that I have e-book copies of these books from Humble Bundle. I haven't read most of them yet. 😅

1/5 of my book titles found!

I really loved how I found this C.S. Lewis book during the fair. This was included in that five titles I was looking for. Well, I was just randomly looking over each of the shelves when this book's cover caught my attention. Only the upper half of the cover was visible as it was behind a row of books. Since I already saw that that corner of that shelf was mostly C.S. Lewis titles, I was pulled into that specific shelf. And like in slow motion, I slowly lifted the book from behind the row of books. 'Lo and behold, it was the book I was looking for! I felt so happy at that moment. I really felt the pull of this book towards me. This was similar to that feeling when I saw the Clow Cards book in a library in Tokyo. ✨

Inspired by my first book find, I continued to go through the aisles (and the people). When I finally found the shelves of self-help books, I was delighted to see another title on my book list: Attached.

2/5 of the book titles found. ✨

I think if things had happened differently for me in the past few weeks, I wouldn't even know this book existed. However, since I experienced new life experiences in the past several weeks, my mindset shifted significantly. I had this huge curiosity about the dynamics of romantic relationships so I wanted to understand them better. I dove into my first relationship without any idea of what I was doing (LOL I got my "ideas" from what I have seen portrayed in movies, dramas, and books) so I got really overwhelmed with all the new insights from my first-hand experience. I want to do better. I don't want to overwhelm myself (or my partner) due to my heightened emotions. I hope this book guides me in navigating my feelings if (or when?) I venture into another relationship again. 😅

I didn't realize when I took this photo: one of the book titles I was looking for was in here (that colorful reddish book at the lower right corner)! 😭

I wanted to buy Elizabeth Gilbert's "All the Way to the River". I was having difficulty finding it so I even asked two of the staff there to help me locate the book. And here I was, looking at this photo I took, and seeing that the book I was looking for was already in front of me. *sigh* Another not-meant-to-be moment for me during the fair. 😅

Haemin Sunim is a familiar author to me now, since my current read is one of his works. 😊

I just had to take a photo of this blue book. 😅

I first heard of this book, "How To Not Die Alone", from Ali Abdaal. It was during the pandemic and I really took to heart some of Logan Ury's tips on how to make my online dating profile more effective. 🤣 I was actually planning to reread this book because I wanted to review and apply the other relationship tips to my then current one, but my relationship ended even before I got started with the book again. 🥲

This is my current read! ✨I felt so happy seeing the physical book during the fair.

I also felt so happy seeing the physical books of Sue Lynn Tan's works! I really loved these two books (which I have reviewed on a blog post also)

Oh yes, I am the target market. 😹 #catpeople

I'm happy with my haul this year! Even though I wasn't able to complete all the book titles I initially listed down, I found new ones along the way, which I believe will be truly helpful to me, especially on where I'm at in my life's journey.

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This is my #MIBF2025 Book Haul:

A Grief Observed (C.S. Lewis) - I just want to understand this feeling of grief that I am currently feeling, and so what more than learn it from one of my favorite authors. ✨
Attached. The new science of adult attachment and how it can help you find - and keep - love - (Amir Levine & Rachel Heller) - I got really curious with the neuroscience of love, since experiencing it firsthand, and so I wanted to understand those emotions better (I hope) by reading this book.
The Nervous System Reset. Overcome pain, trauma, and stress using your vagus nerve - (Jessica Maguire) - This is one of the books I picked up impulsively. 😅I felt like I needed this book during this time, so as to better manage my feelings while processing the breakup.
How to Think Like A Lawyer - and Why. A common-sense guide to everyday dilemmas. (Kim Wehle) - I admit, this reminded me of him. And I picked this up because of that. 😅
Ready Player Two (Ernest Cline) - This was the last book I picked up. I really enjoyed the first installment so I got really excited when I saw this title. Well, upon arriving home, I realized that I already read this book in 2021. 😅I guess I will just read this again. 🤣

I'm so happy I was able to return to the book fair. Apparently, the last time I went to one was in 2019 (not 2017), which I was not able to write on the blog. 😅 I love being in the midst of people with similar interests. I just feed from their contagious energy. I'm excited to read regularly again, especially those self-help books. ✨ Until next year, MIBF! 💖

~o~

P.S.

Because I was already in the area, I wanted to stop by this church, of which I have fond memories of this year.

I guess this is part of my goal of revisiting places we had shared memories of. Since it was a Sunday, I found it really appropriate to stop by and pray.

I got teary-eyed as I entered the church. There was no mass, but the church was open and there were a few people seated inside. I went to sit in the same area as the last time I was here before. I spent some time just looking around and feeling the atmosphere, recalling the memories of when we were here. And yeah, feelings just welled up from my chest again. I feel like I am so over the top dramatic, but yeah, maybe this is how I'm just processing these feelings. I offered prayers for him and for me, as we now begin our journey in life separately. 😞

As I went back outside, I just recalled those fleeting moments I had with him in this area. I remembered this point of view, wherein I saw him crossing the street walking towards me. I can see him so clearly in my head. 😔

This is also one memorable spot for me.

The gloomy soft rain of that day was complementing my nostalgic mood. This church (among others) will always have a special spot in my heart. 💖

I immediately went home after this, since nowadays I feel suffocated when travelling at home on my own at night time. I really have to do a lot of work on myself to recover and move on from these recent events. 😅

But still, I'm grateful for all of these experiences. ✨

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Self-Reflections

September 11, 2025

I feel kind of alone and lonely today (not the best combo, I know). I thought I was having a normal day, but suddenly, a huge wave came rushing in, and things just felt too overwhelming. I actually wanted to file a sick leave from work today (EDIT: I did the next day 😅), but I felt like the timing wouldn't be right. I just feel so drained already. To add up, my electrolytes are not in their normal level for days now (due to stomach trouble 🤣) so this one just piled up to the physical strain that I am currently feeling.

I thought I was already okay. I thought I was making progress. I was even ready to open up and make new connections. But nah, I realized I still wasn't ready. I felt guarded and afraid. I felt so distrusting, which is something that is unfair of me to do to others. I know this, but I just couldn't help it. I would always look back. I would tend to compare. I would then say, that nah it's not the same as the instant connection I had before.😔

My glimmers are turning into triggers. It's kind of pathetic, how I'm trying to hold onto the sand that is slowly flowing out of my hands. The tighter I try to hold them together, the more they flow away.

I'm afraid that I would go back into my shell again. Going out is giving me anxiety attacks again. I feel like the outside world is such a dangerous place to be. To add to that, going to the office felt more torturous because of the recent things that were happening. It's not really helping that these distressing events are happening one right after the other.

At home, it feels isolating. I love my parents very much, but I have to accept that they are living in a different headspace as mine. Most of the time, they have their own bubble. I feel like they're really in their "empty nesting" era, except that there's still one left... someone overstayed. 😅 Maybe this is why I feel like I don't belong anywhere. 😅

I guess as a coping mechanism, I am filling my schedule with activities (yes even my precious weekends) so that I have something to look forward to. I know what I need to do, but when emotions take over, logic just gets thrown out of the window. Overthinking will lead me to nowhere, self. Please remember that. 🙏

I was supposed to write about something else here on the blog, but I decided to write about this, because this is what I'm currently feeling. I want to dump this all down here and just take them out of my system. All I can say is, I feel so tired already. I'm so tired of crying my eyes out. I just want to turn off these emotions. I want to take a long sleep. I don't want to feel anything anymore, for once. I don't know when this will end (or will it?) but I pray that I can get through this day after day. I have to make myself my own priority. I have God; God will always be my first hotline, and then I have myself. I have to be there for myself. I have to show up for myself. I have to push through for myself.

Trust the process. I will get there. ✨

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Creating New Memories

September 07, 2025

Oh yes, this is another post about the breakup.😅I know it feels dragging already, but here I am still writing about it (and I still do have some more posts in the backlog). I feel like I'm going to talk about this over and over until I get tired, until I reach the point where I won't feel anything anymore. I won't feel the pain anymore. I compare this process with emptying a toothpaste tube. I'm squeezing all the pain out of my system until everything just becomes a neutral memory. I even have this process, when emptying an actual toothpaste tube, wherein if I couldn't squeeze out anything from the tube anymore, I cut it in half crosswise and scoop out every bit of toothpaste inside. This is the metaphor that I want to use in this healing process that I am going through.

Compared to a few weeks back, I would say that things have gotten better, and it's true that things do get better. There is still hope, and there is still the next morning; there is still a new beginning for every ending that happens.

This weekend, I returned for the first time to the place where the disentanglement happened. I was a bit worried about this because I didn't know how I would physically react. Seeing the building from afar, as my Grab car approached (I still have not driven alone since it happened because I still don't trust myself to be emotionally stable behind the wheel ahahaha), I felt a knot in my chest.

I believe humans imprint energies in a place, may it be good or bad. This is why there is a physical reaction when returning to that same place.

The significance of these spots is something that only the two of us will understand.

As I went past these spots, I can't help but still feel a weight of sadness. I tried to imagine us during those moments. I just had that longing to hug my past self, the version of me who was crying and breaking down, as she tried to process the things that were unfolding that night. I want to hug her and assure her that everything will be alright. 🫂

I got to visit more spots the next day, and as expected, there's still that twinge of pain in my chest. Memories of hushed and intimate conversations came back to me.

I will always pass through these places when I go home from work, and I pray that when I return again to these places, I would just feel neutral. It would just all feel like a dream that happened a long time ago.

If given a chance, I would like to return to all the places that I had some memories within and create new memories at those places. We've visited a lot of beautiful places around the metro, so I guess this is going to be a long journey.

I never thought that I would process things this way. I guess this is my coping mechanism at work. I will write about this over and over again. I will just write until there's no pain anymore. That's when I will know that I am finally healed and have moved on.

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Raging Storm

September 06, 2025

I woke up today feeling some heaviness in my chest and a different level of sadness. It feels like I was back on day one, but actually this is much worse because for this one, it didn't involve just me... it involved people that I trusted with my life, and people that I wanted to protect, but couldn't. 😔

It really felt like a living nightmare, all my worst fears coming into a reality. The first news involved someone I really cared about, someone that I wanted to protect the most. It hurts because she never deserved this. She's one of the most hardworking people I have met. As I was processing things, the same question haunted me over and over. "Why her?". I was just at a loss for words.

I'm so humbled that she trusted to share the news with me, and together with another friend, we cried our eyes out over a phone call. It's an added bitter reality that we were not together physically, especially during this time. I wanted to comfort both of them by giving them huge bear hugs. But the least I could do was listen and support them emotionally.

I thought the rain was starting to calm down, but no. It's transforming into a storm. The second news hit me like a brick. I am losing another person who has become a huge part of who I am today. My life mentor. My coach. My friend. She knew secrets that no other soul in this world knew. And I couldn't believe it. All those years of hard work, thrown away in just one call. 😔

Even though I already knew what was coming, it still felt painful seeing them unfold before my eyes. Yes I know, there's a connotation about calling these people as "family" but believe it or not, it really felt like they are family members. Some of them I've been with for more than a decade. We've seen each other reach life milestones. We've been through the ups and downs of life. It's cliche, but it's true. Most of them know me better in a way that my parents will never do.

Hearing the message from authoritative figures that the "purging" is over for our group, I burst into tears out of relief. All the stress and worry for weeks, I released at that moment. I owe this one to you, Lord. From that moment on, I knew I needed to do things differently. I will work hard not for anyone, but for myself.

During these times, I realized that I was surrounded by the right people. I mean, these are dark times but I could just feel the warmness and brightness of their souls. They were even worried about us being left behind, to think that they should worry about themselves first. 😢If this is God's Will, then so be it. I have faith that this is a redirection for them for something better. God has greater plans for them.

~o~

The stormy rain poured hard, especially today. Love, career, and friendship. These areas of my life are currently restless. I'm grateful that the family part is at peace. Both my parents have been my source of comfort. I would hug my mom whenever I could, and then I would chitchat with them at the dining table even if I wasn't eating. During these times I realized that my mom is the denser one in terms of showing empathy and emotions. And surprisingly, it was my dad who was more understanding of my situation overall. This is an interesting discovery that I unfolded recently.

It feels so tiring. I have been crying and breaking down for the past weeks for different reasons. I'm worried that this prolonged stress will take its toll on me physically, that's why I'm watching out and monitoring myself, making sure I am processing all of these in a healthy way. I'm now holding onto tools that would make things easier for me. May it be in the form of cats, virtual hugs, meditation, crystals, and prayers (of course!). And of course there's this blog. I realized this was the tool that kept me sane during the pandemic. I would use this also this time around. I would hold onto anything that will give me hope and peace of mind.

In all the evilness happening in the world, I pray that the kindness, the innocence, and the unconditional love that are innately in me are protected. There are a lot of things happening outside of our control. But if it's within my control to reach out, to say sorry, to forgive, I'm learning that I should. Pride will not do anything (believe me, I learned it the hard way for 6 years). And so I let go of my ego and reached out to two people who are important in my life and apologized to them.

I pray for protection and peace of mind. I am surrendering this all to you, God. This is all up to You now. I am praying this also for my friends, and for my loved ones that I have lost, because I still love them. There will always be a space for them in my heart, regardless of everything that has happened.

Thank you for all the glimmers of hope that I have in the form of my friends who have comforted me. I realized that really, If you have suffered pain, you truly know how to comfort those who are also in pain. So, thank you for those kinds of people. Even when we are apart, we can still talk and connect like this.

Again, one step at a time, self. It feels like this has become a raging storm, but this too shall pass. If the past several weeks felt like a dark night, now it feels like, despite it being daytime, it is so rainy and stormy. I am looking forward seeing the rainbow after all of these have settled down.

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Music Triggers

September 04, 2025

(📷: this was from him, during the summer he want back to his hometown)

I love music. Music is that one constant companion of mine throughout my life. It is the one that has consistently been my pal and my source of happiness. It's one of the reasons why I have music notes on my tattoo. Also, I have huge respect for musicians that's why whenever I can, I would attend concerts of artists that I really got to love, as tribute to their lovely pieces of art that had a great impact in my life.

Music has its unique way of touching my soul. There are songs that will instantly take me back to a place where I felt happy and innocent. There are songs that will immediately bring back memories, may it be good or bad. There are songs that will, no fail, raise my vibrations and make me in a happier mood for the rest of the day.

It is for these same reasons that I was avoiding listening to music recently. I recognize that I am at my most vulnerable self, emotionally at least, that's why I was afraid to listen to music because it might touch and seep through my soul in a way that I'm still not comfortable and ready. Well, tonight, I experienced what I was mostly afraid of experiencing --- feeling a relapse due to a random love song heard.

I was just organizing my stuff at home because I just got back from a trip. I played my Discover Weekly playlist on Spotify as background music while I was arranging my things. However, I was suddenly stopped in my tracks when I heard this song playing.

I listened to the music and read the lyrics, and I felt my heart crushed into pieces. Here are the lyrics of the song:

Another Universe

Fall in Luv

I saw you in a dream I didn′t wanna leave

We were dancing down a quiet moonlit street

Your hand in mine, like the world stayed still

Like fate had bent to match our will

In that place, we stayed side by side

Hearts unshaken, with nothing to hide

In another universe, we never broke

Riding through the dusk wrapped in your coat

Your laugh filled the air like a secret verse

We made it last in another universe

Still calling you mine

In a life we didn't rewind

You wore that shirt from the day we met

Faded blue, but you never once forget

And in that space, we kissed like time stood back

Like gravity forgot to act

In that frame, our stars never dimmed

Love was quiet but never thinned

In another universe, we stayed warm

Wrote our names in the glass before the storm

Your eyes told the truth I always rehearsed

We held it close in another universe

Still finding you near

In a world untouched by fear

If threads of time can ever bend

Maybe we′ll find our way again

And I'll reach for you without regret

In a world where we never forget

In another universe, you're still here

Filling all the silence I used to fear

Hands intertwined like a sacred verse

We had forever in another universe

If the many-worlds interpretation is true, there indeed exists a timeline wherein we didn't part ways. I can see myself so clearly in that timeline and the life that we would have lived together. 😔

The pain is still there, because the love is still there. I believe this is going to be this way for life. The feelings come in waves. Some hit stronger than others, like this moment. And it's okay if I break down and cry. It's okay, because it just meant that I truly cared for that person.

“’Tis better to have loved and lost

Than never to have loved at all.”

-Alfred Lord Tennyson’s In Memoriam A.H.H. (1849)

~o~

I can just hear him say that naaah that's an AI-generated song 😅

Well regardless if it is or not, it still touched my heart. And that's the more important thing for me.

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Day 3: Focusing on the Positive

August 25, 2025

The pain doesn't get easier. I thought I was making progress yesterday, but the pain is still at the same level. I'm caught in my thoughts now, questioning things. I still miss him, but I don't have the courage to message him, and I knew I shouldn't.

I have started making notes (yes I have notes aside from the lengthy voice notes 😂) on the things that I wanted to "report" in the future. I'm actually worried now about that scenario, because I don't know if I would be able to handle it. I'm not sure how I will react if I get to see him again. This caused some feeling of anxiety again, but I refocused my energy to just focus on the now. One step at a time, self. Remember that.

I am slowly doing the process of stepping back and seeing the relationship for what it was. I was able to note things that I have observed that I was not fully aware of because I was in the middle of it. Now that I'm looking at our relationship from a different perspective, I am now understanding the point that he was raising during our talk three days ago. Now I'm really understanding where he was coming from.

There really are positives and negatives with this experience. But, I really want to highlight the positive things that are coming out of this journey.

I am forming a deeper relationship with my friends. I got to express to them my rawest raw of emotions, and they also returned them back with very heartfelt messages of comfort.

I am feeling more compassionate. I feel like I now know better how to comfort someone that is struggling emotionally, because now I know how it feels to be in pain. I am now better equipped to help others in this aspect.

I am forming tighter bonds with my family, especially with the women. I'm having conversations with my mom, sister, and niece that I've never had before. Because of this, I am feeling closer to them.

I got reconnected with my faith. 🕊️ In my opinion, my faith with God didn't really go away but I think through this experience, it transformed into something more solid and intentional. I am explicitly expressing my thoughts through prayers and words, not just feelings of gratitude and wishes sitting in my subconscious.

I am now seeing this experience as a gift. I have more compassion now, having been in touch with a larger range of human emotions. One of my friends even congratulated me. "Congrats for experiencing your first heartbreak!" I felt like I had earned a new badge. If life was an RPG, I just have gained a significant number of EXP points that I will surely be able to use on the next stages of my life.

As much as there were negatives, there are still the positive things. And I want to focus on that. ✨

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Day 2: Emotional Unpacking

August 24, 2025

I miss you.

I see you everywhere.

But I know I shouldn't reach out to you.

I'm telling myself that if I did, I won't find the version of you that I have known and loved. I will see the version of you with all the barriers up, and that will just hurt me more. 💔

~o~

I'm still feeling restless. I'm just so grateful that today is a holiday so I really have the time for myself to reflect and process all of these emotions. I'm at the point where I just don't know what to do with this energy. It feels like something is stuck in my chest. And then I remembered this quotation:

"Grief is love with nowhere to go."

This is what I'm experiencing right now. All the love, attention, and affection that I'm so used to pouring out to that person are now, all of a sudden, stagnant inside me. My mind and body are now just so confused by this sudden shift of energy. 😔

But first and foremost, I am so grateful for myself. Thank you, self, for continuing to push through. I'm still able to do basic things for myself. I get to eat, even though I have zero appetite. I get to rest, even though I cannot sleep well. The first thing I did today was to arrange my room, replace my bedsheets, and take a bath. It feels comforting that I could still take care of myself during this time. What my idea of a broken-hearted girl, based on what I have seen in dramas and movies (😅), is that of a girl not leaving her room, all used tissues in disarray on her bed. She is just sleeping all day, eating junk food, sweets, and other unhealthy stuff. Well, some people might really have a process like that when dealing with a breakup. People do have different coping mechanisms anyway. Maybe also, I am stronger than I give myself credit for.

The first evening after we parted ways was the hardest. I have already built habits around him during this time of the day, and not having that for the first time was something indescribable. Before, when I didn't have any idea of the dynamics of romantic relationships, it always puzzled me why people choose not to connect with the person that was once the most important part of their life. Like whyyyy? And now, I know why. It's because of the pain. Would you dare to place your hand on a hot pan again after accidentally touching it and feeling your fingers sting due to the burn? You won't, right? You won't.

~o~

I learned the importance of hydration during this time. It's unnerving how I don't realize that I need to drink water already because I was distracted with the crying sessions. But once I get a sip of water, I realize how thirsty I actually was already. And so I always have my yellow tumbler with me. It's heartbreaking to remember that this tumbler also holds some memories to me that are sad now. I feel like all the glowing golden globes of happy memories that I have created from that relationship are now being touched by Sadness, and they are all turning into blue.

I acknowledge that what I am going through right now is a universal human experience. A lot of people, unfortunately, have experienced this kind of pain, each unique in its own. But I also acknowledge that some of the most beautiful creations of art like music, painting, poems, books, emerged from a person's pain. They have converted the energy that was stuck in them, into something beautiful. I hope to do something similar to that. Maybe this journaling process is the product itself already.

~o~

One of the most difficult things that I realize now is that I don't have the person anymore that listens to my rants and every random thing that I want to talk about. I have my other people I talk to of course, but there are things that I cannot tell even the closest of my friends. With him, I always knew that I could go to him and tell him everything without the fear of being judged. But now, it's gone. My safe space is gone.

~o~

I got to have a call with one of my closest friends that first night. She was really heaven-sent, because I got myself occupied during the first night of his absence. Recounting the events was still painful. Memories of that night were becoming hazy, all I remember was the feelings that I felt during that time.

With all the words of wisdom that my friend has imparted on me, one specific hit me in a different way. My friend said, "He had to choose himself. If he chose me, he would sooner or later run out of energy, trying to catch up with all the responsibilities that he has, and the pressure of establishing himself in society. It wouldn't be good for our relationship".

~o~

I'm realizing now that one of the reasons why all of this happened to me is for me to return back to my faith. I always recognized that even before, that he had that impact on me. And now, one of the lessons I am learning is to always pray and let God take the wheel. I am experiencing emotional pain and chest pain because I am carrying the burden. But if I let go of this and allow God to do His will, I would feel lighter.

I want to apply this in all aspects of my life. There are things that are making me anxious currently (aside from this heartache) and I realized that the more that I think about it, the more that it will just drive me crazy. Regardless of how hard I go back and forth thinking about it, what will happen will be beyond my control. So now, I'm learning to just surrender. I just pray that I will be protected and be guided.

~o~

As I continue processing all these thoughts and feelings, one by one I am seeing the flaws of the relationship. I see parts where I am at fault, and I see his, too. I guess really if you are in the middle of a relationship, you don't see clearly. I am also learning that I shouldn't be hard on myself. This was my first relationship and I got to discover versions of myself that I have never known were inside me. As I slowly cut off the entanglements, I am seeing myself clearer now, realizing my mistakes and all the lessons learned from the experience. I guess this is the process of what character development looks like.

The waves continue to come and go. I allow myself to feel each one of them, but I am also learning not to ruminate that much, else I will spiral down. And so I redirect my energy. I picked up my (long overdue) to-do list and the calendar and planned my day. I discovered that when I do this, I feel more grounded and in control. I paid my bills, completed some Toastmasters tasks, did some laundry, and even exercised on the treadmill. I was playing Taylor Swift's "The Tortured Poets Department" album while exercising. I got triggered by most of the songs so I was actually crying while doing the workout. 😅

This song was my anthem during that time, and it really echoed back my feelings during that exact moment.

~o~

I also had some pockets of peaceful silence during this day, like things were coming back like how it was before. I always enjoyed quiet weekend afternoons at home, with me just doing my thing. I realized it's been a while since I've had that kind of peaceful solitude. I'm grateful to have been able to remember glimpses of it again today. I guess in the future, I need to learn how to balance having time for myself and spending time with my partner so that I would still feel grounded. Again, this is another lesson learned.

~o~

A lot of emotional unpacking really happened today. I feel like I am making progress. I'm slowly beginning to collect myself. I know this is just day two. I still don't know how I will cope in the next few days, but hey, it's one day at a time.

Also, one step at a time. It's amazing how I always circle back to this mantra of mine, of the very theme of this blog. I guess somehow, I always had the answer within me. I just have to learn how to discover it again myself. ✨

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lessons

The First 12 Hours

August 20, 2025

12:42AM, Wednesday

It's been almost an hour since I arrived home. I didn't feel like myself, because who would? In a span of hours, my mind and energy has shifted. It really felt surreal having "that talk" because I already imagined that several times in my head during those times that I was overthinking. It felt like I was in a dream, a nightmare to be exact, when I heard those words from him. I was hyper focused because I wanted to catch each and every word that he uttered, but actually even though I was recognizing the words, I couldn't comprehend most of it. I just felt my body chemistry changing and I couldn't think clearly anymore. We talked, compromised, and parted ways.

The moment I got home, I was feeling drained. I wanted to collect my thoughts so I got my phone to create voice notes (which I'm actually using as a reference to write this). I couldn't really gather my thoughts, and I didn't know how to express myself. One movie came to mind, that one entitled (500) Days of Summer. I even wrote a review about it a few years back. I always liked this movie because of its unique representation of the dynamics of a relationship. The pain that I got from this movie really placed a mark in me. And that pain came rushing back to me because somehow it has some parallel themes on what I am going through right now. One of the most hurtful things for me right now with regards to my situation is that no one really was at fault. Each side had a valid point of view, and going into this relationship, I always knew this. But we still gave it a try. Although I am feeling pain right now, I'm still glad I did take the risk.

I was introduced to a different kind of world, a world wherein I was not walking alone. I learned things from how he saw the world. I became more courageous and outgoing. I was able to experience new things, visited new places, and went to lots of food escapades. I really enjoyed each of them because it was all new and I was with a person that I liked. I believe this was a push that I needed especially after the pandemic. My comfort zone was staying within my city. Even going to the office felt stressful for me. But through these adventures that he pulled me into, I got used to commuting again. I got to ride the public trains again. I got to drive to new places. I have lots of happy memories scattered around Metro Manila (and a few beyond), and now I am looking back at all of them with pain in my chest and tears in my eyes.😢

As I was trying to process these overwhelming emotions, I just couldn't help but go back to the feeling of gratitude that I always had since getting together with him. I truly believe that he was an answered prayer, and I was happy. Even up to the last moment, I was still in awe like it was still not sinking in that I found someone like him, someone that loved and cared for me. However, now, I'm dealing with the loss of it, and this agony is so unimaginably heavy.

At this point during my voice notes recording, wherein I was continuously ugly crying, I felt like I was going to throw up. And I did. As I saw the remnants of the last meal that I had with him, I cried again. The feeling was just so crazy and painful. 😔 I was beginning to notice that the feelings of sadness and pain comes and goes like waves. One moment I was feeling okay, and then when a thought or memory comes back, I suddenly start crying again. That's what has been happening. I feel like this is grief. I am grieving the relationship that I had.

I want to set guidelines for myself. I don't want to linger with past emotions. I don't want to be that kind of person that would look back on messages. Also I don't want to scroll that much on social media, especially on Instagram reels, because I have experienced them having a negative effect on my mental state. Since I also have built out habits around him, I would have to start replacing them with new ones. I know for sure, overthinking will come. Sadly this time around, no one will be there to give me assurance. I have to get it from myself. What he will do from this point forward will be out of my control. I'll need to focus on myself.

03:33 AM, Wednesday

I woke up from a short-one-hour sleep, and I cried again as soon as the memories loaded. Now I was in the stage wherein I was questioning things. Which of them were true and sincere? Which of them were not? The last thing I wanted was to taint those happy memories that I have created with this person. I don't want to muddle them with these heightened emotions. Because of these confused thoughts, I just started getting tearful again.

The physical manifestations came rushing in again. The pain in my chest. The adrenaline rush. I remembered when I was single, there was this recurring thought wherein I haven't really had the full range of human emotions because I haven't felt the highest of highs of happiness and the lowest of lows of misery. However, since meeting him, I have felt the happiness of being in love. And now, the Universe is giving me the other extreme side of the spectrum.

When I was in love, I had an added layer of understanding about life, like oh so this is what all the love songs were about. Listening to Taylor Swift songs hit differently actually. And now, oh wow, this time, I would be consuming the sad TS songs in a whole different way now. 😔

I started to disconnect from the things that connected us, may it be of physical things or virtual things. It would help in coping and in moving on.

06:50AM, Wednesday

I just got off the phone with one of my closest friends. It was a 2h25m call. I messaged her on Instagram at around 4:00AM telling her I won't make it on our scheduled trips. To my surprise, she was online. She offered to call even though she was catching up with some work 🥺 and so there, I poured out my emotions with her. And boy, I believe God sent her to me precisely during this time because I heard from her the opinion and advice that I needed to hear without any sugarcoating. I realized things that I was repeatedly ignoring and her insight gave me more perspective.

08:00AM - 12:00PM, Wednesday

I wasn't able to make some decent sleep, but surprisingly my mind and body are still alert. Maybe this is because I am currently running on a fight-or-flight mode. Just on the onset, I had to stop myself from doing things out of habit. I cried while having breakfast. I felt like I didn't have any appetite and I was afraid I would throw up again. I slowly arranged my things in my room, and in the afternoon, I started writing this blog entry.

And just like that, I have survived the first 12 hours.

As I continue to process these emotions, I kind of realized that maybe this was a blessing from the Universe also. It takes courage for one to have these difficult conversations. We finally head-on acknowledged the elephant in the room, which we always recognized was with us. It was only until that talk that we took a closer look on what plan (or the lack of plan) we had to address it.

Universe/God/Creator, I'm so grateful for my mom. I broke down crying the moment I got home. I'm thankful to have that moment with her. Also, thank you for the opportunity that I got to say the things that I wanted to say for the longest time to my sister.

I want to promise myself that I will love myself more, and put myself first. And I will pray and be closer to God. I will also surround myself with the people that care for me.

This too shall pass. 🙏 ✨

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life

Reality Check

August 18, 2025

Time check: 01:00 AM on a Monday.

I know I should be sleeping and resting since it's the start of the work week. But instead, here I am still wide awake -- my body, mind, and soul running on survival mode. 😔

I always thought that I would do well during times when I feel negative emotions or when life throws me lemons. I am very familiar with the power of meditation and journaling for dealing with overwhelming surges of emotions. However, maybe theoretical skills just don't always translate into practical skills. 😅 Like right now, I should have placed into practice all the things I learned about mindfulness, but instead I found myself here, in the early hours of the morning, having an emotional meltdown.

For the last several hours, I have been trying to sleep. But my mind is running around in a feast giving me all the intrusive thoughts in the world, as my eyes continuously flowed with tears. Honestly, I don't know who my enemy is anymore. Do you know that feeling when something feels too good to be true, you nitpick out things that you might be missing something? I found myself looking into the details and finding loopholes that I might be neglecting or missing out. It's my brain's way of trying to protect myself from getting hurt, and so I zoom in to every action to see if there's something I need to be alert of. I gave in to intrusive thoughts, and things went out of control. There are things I did that I think are irreversible now, but thankfully, I still had the presence of mind to not further incur damage. I think I made the right choice to unplug because I feel like the online noise is just feeding the beast inside of me.

And so here I am again, back to my online haven, my safe sanctuary, which I have actually ignored for months now. I think I would spend more time here, to further digest my emotions and really see where I want to go from here.

I want to be busy with work. I want to focus more on my hobbies. I want to invest more in myself. Currently, I'm drowning in responsibilities. My to-do list is getting longer every day, and my commitments to people are piling up. There's just really a lot of things going on. Many new things have been introduced in my life, and I have a whole different set of responsibilities and commitments. However, what's clear now to me as I go on writing this entry is that I want to return to writing and setting goals, because those activities have always been my guide to my North Star. Those activities made me feel like my life has a purpose and those provided a kind of fulfillment that I needed.

I guess it's clear now. I am going back to this safe sanctuary that I have been with for more than a decade. I need more time for myself, more time to arrange my thoughts without any input from social media or an AI chatbot. 😅 That would help me digest and figure out what I really want out of life in general. Of course, I would reach out to people that care about me, in every form that I might be in. I am very grateful to have them in my life. I want to break down the things I need to do and move forward with actions that align with my life's purpose, one step at a time. I believe in myself, and I believe that I will get there in time.

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#MIBF2025

Self-Reflections

Creating New Memories

Raging Storm

Music Triggers

Day 3: Focusing on the Positive

Day 2: Emotional Unpacking

The First 12 Hours

Reality Check

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