Mauerbauertraurigkeit

I feel a bit down today. I never thought I would be affected by it this way. Maybe it was because of the way I learned of the news, like if I didn’t become curious and asked the question, they wouldn’t tell me. It’s like they really didn’t have plans to tell me. Am I having the wrong expectations from these people? I didn’t want to overreact at that moment because I very well know that I am in no position to do that, but I felt deep in my heart that something was off. I smiled and talked as usual. They say fake it until you make it. For the next days that passed I even have forgotten about it already. Everything was normal… until today.

Do I have the right to be mad at them? Am I demanding something unreasonable? They all knew what I thought about this, even chatted happily telling them that I had news. Parang nagmukha akong tanga. No one bothered to tell me I have dirt on my face while I happily faced other people for days.

“I didn’t have the blessing to share it.” Why? Do I have to know all the details? You can tell me the news in one short sentence, and I would have asked no more. Case closed. It was that simple. But you all made it all complicated for me. And now I’m suffering alone.

This is the second time that something like this has happened. I thought things would get easier, but I guess I really still don’t know anything about the rules of the game.

I want to leave, to go somewhere far… somewhere that I won’t be reached again. Secretly I am looking forward to the day we would finally move, and I hope things would change eventually. I needed a new atmosphere… I needed a new scenery.

If I would be honest with myself, I want everything to stop. I’ve sacrificed a lot, and my relationships with certain people have been affected also. I felt like moments are being stolen from me.

I think I really needed some time off. I want some alone time. I want something for myself for once.

The dream sequence will commence in the next few days. I guess that’s all I want for now.

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